sad face. happy face.

Homemade window clings with my lil girl. These are her original drawings. Faces. Sad, happy and mouthless.

So, I started this blog all hyped up to just write whatever I feel... or just document the daily happenings of our life with two kids and one sweet old dog. But here we are like 25 days later and this is the first time I've written. There are lots of reasons for this but really, they are just excuses right? I mean that's what the tough love junkies tell me: Everything you say to make up for not doing the thing you want to do or at the very least said you'd do are just stories you tell yourself to make it ok and stay mediocre. To stay safe and not move forward. Why would I want to not move forward? Again, a ton of reasons... fear being the most prominent. Fear of failure. Fear of judgement. Fear of being too vulnerable, too public, too open or opinionated or too cynical or too boastful or too... naive perhaps? And so I spin stories. I mean they are true but they are still stories.

Confusing right? Well, it's true that yesterday I wanted to write but I got up super early because my infant decided that he likes the freedom of his new sleep sack enough that he waves and waves until he wakes up in a screaming fit, wanting who knows what. So I sleepily flop my arm over the side of the bed, re-insert his binky, try not to make eye contact, reposition myself so that I can lazily slop my arm off the bed and rock the bassinet and lull him back to slumber. Only I keep falling asleep and it stops rocking and he wails even louder. Finally, he's just up, screaming and so I resolve that I will be up too. So I get up and stuff a boob in his mouth and that makes him happy... for exactly 3 minutes and 22 seconds. Which is actually quite long for the left side. So I switch to the right and he takes about 5 minutes 7 seconds there. Yay! I totally just lulled him back to sleep... now to pop the binky back in, put him in the bassinet and climb back to bed to get the extra 2.5 hours before we all usually get up to get my pre-schooler prepped for ballet class. Um... nice try. Yeah, now he's just arching his back in my arms, spitting out the binky (I thought the binky solved all problems...) and wailing a sound that is sure to wake up the whole condo complex. Well, everyone that is, except my hubster. He's 3 feet away snoring like a bear. Good times. So, I do what I always do when I am trying to get him to sleep and he's fighting it and I'm getting increasingly flustered. I close my eyes, move my body in a semi fast yet very gentle figure eight and breathe into it. I visualize that my body is actually floating in an infinity pool and the figure eight is the motion of the waves. Even though infinity pools don't have much of a wave happening, just go with me here. It helps that we use a white noise machine set on ocean sounds. This usually calms us both and we get the job done. Yeah, not today. Nope. Not gonna happen. No, today, he's pissed. I have no idea why and I'm shit tired. And impatient. The floating bit isn't really helping anyone today. I basically live my life in fear of this moment. I'm pretty good with what comes my way with kids until sleep is involved. That just unnerves me. To the point that I freak out when the hubs clanks a plate or forgets to turn down the tv during the loud music portion of our after hours marathon of Breaking Bad on Netflix. So much so that he gets seriously irritated with me constantly saying, "shhh" or " quiet it down, will ya?!" To which I say, "I'm the one who has to deal with a baby up all night, so please bear with my craziness". I know I'm walking in fear and it's absurd but man... sleep deprivation is no joke.

But tonight... I change my mind. It's not just my job to soothe this lil guy. I'm losing it. I can't take the screaming and the snoring and I tap hubby on the shoulder, wake him up with, "Your turn. He won't calm down". He slowly gets up and makes his way over to start the swaying. And without a word, I climb into bed. Next thing I know the hubs is heading to the family room to put him in the swing... not really what I would do but I have to let go. And I do. I literally just fall asleep and don't wake back up until my alarm goes off. I head to the family room fully prepared for a grumpy, sleep deprived husband and potentially grumpier infant. They are both blissfully sleeping. Did I mention, blissfully? Awesome. Except that they are in the family room of our tiny apartment and my 3.5 year old is in her room yelling for me to come in and get her up and dressed and I need to fix breakfast asap so that we can get to ballet in time. Can I manage all of this without waking them? I have no idea how long they've been asleep. So I attempt the impossible. And miraculously, the girl manages to stay quiet while eating her breakfast. In fact, I think I may have witnessed empathy just then. Now, getting her dressed for ballet, that's a completely different story... and out of the house on time... needless to say, everyone was awake by the time we left, 7 minutes before class started. Oh and the dog... yes, well, she is old and has taken to not being able to hold her bowels in any way once she eats her brekkies so we have this insane routine:

Can you get sweeter than this face?

1. Fill her bowl with a can of dog food and her meds

2. Open the door to the bedroom where she's fast asleep and let her know... it. is. time.

3. Put her collar and leash on while she devours her food

4. Get bundled up to face this insane cold front and nasty black snow ice

5. Immediately upon her finishing eating, run her down the stairs, I mean run...bust the door open just in time for her to piss all over the sidewalk. And really hope no innocent passer-by happens to be in front of that door when we come crashing through. Then head to one of 3 small patches of grass along the street for her to finish it out, pick it up, drop it off at the trash and head either around the block if she's feeling sprightly or right back upstairs for her to nap. Or pace. Or rush back to lick the last drops out of her bowl. Oh Princess Brandywine Humperdink. We do love you so but you are hard work too.

Ok, now we can leave.

Once at class, I realized that it was parent in the class day. Good thing I'm so on top of that... my phone is full so I can't even get video of the adorableness of the plies and tondeaus... good job mom. But I do snap an amazing pic of her full of the wonder and excitement of a lil big girl just running around a room to music with a scarf trailing behind her. Full on happy face. And every time she came my way, the smile widened. Joy in my heart. Full on joy.

Can't get happier than this face.

Anyway, now it's 10:20am and we head home and then it's time to nurse the babe again... actually past time. So then there was that and then he was having some fun tummy time... until he wasn't. Back to the rocking for naptime. It took a while but he finally went down... the girl on the other hand just wasn't having the sleep thing. This day. Of all days. The one where I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. So we started painting hearts in prep for our handmade valentines we've been working on for weeks. This year is a pop up card. One for each kid in her class. That's at least 20. We are at 4 completed so far. Good thing it's not February yet. We are slow moving. Usually, you can't get her to stop painting. Today I made the mistake of turning on the Disney channel on Pandora so she could listen to some of her new favorite princess songs.. only she didn't get that they were just songs and was totally distracted by the album cover images that pop up with each new song. We had to have extensive discussions on each song. Who is this and what did they say and why did the witch pretend to be her mommy? The witch mommy. Hmmm. Is there an underlying message for me here...?? And so only 3 hearts got painted. And my patience was waning. She was super crabby so we had to make the nap happen. Oh wait, there was lunch prep in there too. And the daily struggle to get her to eat it. And turning off the music. That was another good moment.

Peaceful and beautiful. Sometimes when they are sleeping my heart fills up with so much gratitude for having them near.

Whew, finally she's done with milk and books and in bed... singing. This is the time of day that I have sectioned out to catch up on some things I've neglected like choosing the images to be printed by the photographer that took pics of the baby when he was 20 days old. He is now almost 7 months. Yep. I'm that client. And the rug needs to be replaced. I have the new one. It's been rolled up leaning on the wall in the kitchen for over a week. And the hubs is ready to help with all of it. Even energetic to do it, I'd say. But all I can do is say I need a nap. I fall asleep on the couch for the entire time the kids sleep! What?! OH. NO. But I didn't even write a blog entry. How did I do this?! What is wrong with me?! Why am I still exhausted?!

I wake up and go tend to the girl, then feed the babe again. I check my email on my phone and realize that the woman off the listserve who has some formula from Germany that I want to try for my son's sensitive tummy has replied that she is home all afternoon for me to come pick it up. It is now 5:45 pm. I missed that window. I quickly attempt a response but the infant decides my iphone is better used for teething purposes. I get a few lines out to her admitting that I just plain fell asleep. By 6pm everyone is in full chaos and she responds that they will be there until 7pm if I want to swing by. I do! I'm on my way... oh wait. The Brandywine is pacing and needs to eat and go out. Here we go again. and little sassy pants daughter of mine is asking for popcorn. Dad says, "Oh yeah, I did promise that" I say, "We don't have any popcorn to make" Tantrum ensues.

I say I will go to the store to get some. Sassy pants says she wants to join me. I say not this time. Tantrum ensues.

I make it to pick up this formula at 6:55. I double park and hope for the best. Then off to find popcorn. Back home by 7:45. I walk in the front door and the girl screams, "Mooooommmmmyyyyyyy.... did you get popcorn?!" Pop that, make dinner, fight over her eating it, prep bottle for babe, change him into jammies, sleep sack, nurse him, supplement with a bottle, back to the figure eight position... almost there. In the home stretch, he's drifting off... and here goes the arching back, wailing and general unruliness. Are you F-ing serious? What happened here? I struggle for a while. I close my eyes and float. I sing a soft lullaby. I kiss his forehead, I lightly rub his face and sprinkle fairy dust on his sweet cheeks. Nothing works. He is really, really unhappy. I give up and hand him off to the hubby once again. I'm having a really off day. But this means it's to work negotiating bedtime with the girl. 30 minutes later I give up and decide maybe hubs and I can switch again... but he's almost got the little one to sleep so I have to go back in there... I do. It doesn't go well. She wins and I run out of there declaring that I can't seem to put anyone to sleep and the hubs takes over. I think he thinks I might have a nervous breakdown. Thirty minutes later he emerges and she is asleep. We are at 10pm now. I could write a blog post. I could choose the images. Hell, I could even move the furniture and switch out the rug. But I don't do any of these things. Instead I reach my hand in an open bag of dark chocolate covered acai blueberries, plop down on the couch and settle in to watch the finale of season 4 Breaking Bad. Yep. And it was good. Real good. So good I forgot to do my breast pumping while it was playing and had to stay up later to make that happen. Yay me!

Then I tiptoed into my room, climbed in at the foot of the bed so as not to disturb lil dude. Set my alarm, crossed my fingers everyone was going to stay asleep until the alarm blared and slept like a baby.

Peace out mofos!

That's my story. That's my excuse. Everyone's got something to do so I'm not different. But basically the tough lovers are just saying... yeah, we are all busy. But you can find a way. Or if not, you are getting something out of not doing it. Like writing it all here. Am I hoping for sympathy? Empathy? Connection? Do I want to come off as a hero or martyr...? Dunno. I think I just want to get it out to process it and figure out where I can shift time. And also to just write it down and remember what that day was like. Because it won't always be like this. My kids will grow up. They will feed themselves and go to sleep without me and even drive to get their own popcorn someday. I think that day will be both amazing and sad and so I have to say that even though I am frustrated some days and they don't go how I envision, it's pretty awesome to be here right now. To be needed in this way. To see the smiles on their faces for such little things, the sweetness as they dream, and that they love me enough to show me the worst of them. No filters and games. They believe I can solve whatever is bothering them. That can suck or it can be absolutely amazing. I could have a sad face or I could have a happy face. It's just my choice on how to view it. As simple as that. I get to choose whether to be smiling or frowning. So, it's a hell of a lot more fun to have the happy face. for me. for the kids. for hubby. for sanity.

More window clings. All happy. All good.